[applause as the title of the show flashes by and Star in a suit appears]
STAR: Hello, hello, and welcome to Talk Show Tuesday, with Star, the Relationship Insultant! [drops a wink][laugh track] Thank you. Now, will you please welcome our esteemed guests, the timey-wimey lovers who are always out of time…[drumroll sound effect] Amy and Rory Pond!
[Amy and Rory stumble through a disguised door, looking confused and the tiniest bit furious]
AMY: Where the h*ll are we?
STAR: Now, now, Amy, no cursing on the show, or we’ll have to bleep it out, and that just adds a whole extra load to my job. [clears throat and straightens tie] Right, how are you two doing?
RORY: Fine, but…I’ve got to echo Amy, where the…heck…are we?
STAR: See? He’s polite! You’re on my show, Roranicus Pondicus. I’m Star, and we all know who you are! But now, let’s get on to the purpose of this segment. Rory, I hear you waited two thousand years outside of a box for your wife. Is that true?
RORY: It is, although I don’t know how you know that.
AMY: Where’s the Doctor? Doctor! If this is a trick, I swear to God I’m going to kill you!
STAR: Death threats are encouraged, my dear ginger. We love them! I just can’t get enough of them, according to the previous guests! [laugh track] That was funny, wasn’t it. Anyway, back to you, Rory. When the lovely Ms. Pond exited the Pandorica, did she thank you?
RORY: I…of course she did!
AMY: Of course!
RORY: She just didn’t have much time when she first got out of the box, we were caught up with a lot of things, like the Daleks.
STAR: Alright, whatever you say. That’s a pretty flat excuse, though, you should probably work on those. And you, Amy. Word around here is that you kissed the Doctor…well, you kissed the Doctor the night before your wedding! [collective gasp from the audience] What was it that prompted you to commit such an act?
AMY: I really don’t think that’s any of your business, you little…pipsqueak!
STAR: Calling me short? I think that’s a little…low of you. Eh? Eh? [wiggles eyebrows][laugh track] I’m friggin’ hilarious. No answer to that? Pity, this episode is turning out to be a bit of a bore. Another question, though, for you both. You two partake in quite a lot of rather heavy snogging. Now, most couples I know enjoy a bit of hugging and cuddling, but you two just go at it right away the minute you see each other! Is it the fact that you two don’t share the profound bond that most partners do? Do you two attack each others mouths at every opportunity to hide the fact that the flame of romance has since dwindled into barely-alive, bloody, gory embers, stained with the fluids of your rotting attraction?
RORY: Oh…my god.
STAR: You’re looking a bit unsteady there, my good Roman. Fine, how about we talk about your child- oh, wait, have you gotten there yet?
AMY: Alright, you know what? We’re leaving. Right now. I can’t believe this, leave the TARDIS for one minute and you get attacked by an insane child! [she storms to the place where the door once was, dragging Rory]
STAR: Well, this puts a damper on my mood. Fine, get out of here, you two were completely abysmal on this show. Simply awful. Audience, take note, and remind me not to invite these two nerds again. [laugh track] Heh.
[door opens, and Amy and Rory fly up a ‘tube’ of sorts with a cut-off cry]
STAR: Beware of Weeping Angels, you two! [laugh track] Pathetic, wasn’t that? Tune in next Tuesday for another Talk Show with Star, the Relationship Insultant! [laugh track] Hopefully it’ll be more interesting than this one was! Which pair would you like to star on this show? Canon or non-canon, gay or straight…anything but non-fiction!
[instrumental heavy rock version of ‘Twinkle, Twinkle’ begins to play before the segment ends]